A LLLLOOOONNNGGG day at St. Jude

Today was our 2 yr. post treatment check-up at St. Jude. STILL IN REMISSION!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!! Previously, we go in, draw blood, have bkfst., see Dr., and head home (once her bloodwork comes back still in remission.) Today, we arrived to see that our schedule was full of testing till 5:00 pm! I hadn't planned on this, and had girl scouts, a basketball game, an after school pick up, and boy scouts on the schedule! Lots of phone calls, one dead cell phone, and a couple of ruffled feathers and confusion later, we finally came home. Thank you so much to my friend Michele who not only picked up Bret from school, but then drove him to meet Bret for a game! I'll make it up to you I promise!! Going to St. Jude for a check-up is a multidimensional thing. It's hard to even put into words that will express what it's like. The kids love it! For them, it's like going to camp, where everyone knows and loves them! For me, my stomach is in knots for days before we go. It's like knowing you have a paper due that's worth 50% of your grade, but as if you're in a foggy dream, and don't know how to go about writing it. You live normal day-to day, but there's this foggy, nagging angst that you can't "fix" that gets closer and closer as the date approaches. Then there's the doubt...and the knowledge that you gained in the 3 yrs. of chemo. Is that a new bruise?? Rachael was really tired the other day....how will I handle the news of a relapse in front of the girls?? All of this is processing under the regular din of life's demands. Going back to St. Jude is joy and pain together. Gratitude to tears that they did all they could to save your baby. She's here and that's a miracle in itself. Pain that surges up from somewhere SO DEEP inside you when you hear the 'beep" of an iv pump going by you in the hallway, or smell their hand sanitizer. It's only fleeting; a flash of a memory; like getting hit again by a truck...but just a little. You keep saying to yourself, "did we really go through that?" Seeing the familiar chubbed out cheeks of a sweet bald child, being rocked by their stressed mom, and then a moment later, laughing with a nurse that helped you get through the night when your baby had pneumonia; or the sweet volunteer who became like a grandmother to your kids. Then halfway through the day I realize I have a mystery rash all over my legs...??? What the hell???? Stress???....manifests in many ways. Standing in the hallways, commiserating with moms who went through the same thing...as we cling to each other and say, "it's over...we HOPE." And all the while, coming up with fun things to do, places to venture in the hospital. You visit and revisit your faith in eternity as you walk those halls, knowing how many parents leave there without their kids. Some of them angry, some sad, some grateful that the suffering is over. You can't help it. Okay, enough for now. There's just not enough words to describe it, but today, there's the overwhelming relief that she's still all clear, and we don't need to go back for a whole year!!!!